Get over yourself

This particular episode is entitled, “Are You a Spiritual Pioneer.” The introduction was about those who like to explore personal growth and spirituality. Cheryl opined that it’s okay to seek, but we all must seek our own path. It’s not up to us to decide what is right for others or try to convert them.

I wish a lot of people I’ve known would hear this message.

Over the years, I have known so many people who have sought a new religion or “spiritual pursuit.” I too have explored many ideas and philosophies. I’m a curious person and I love to learn new things. I enjoy watching others try out something new and get invigorated by it. When a friend enthusiastically shares about a new pursuit, I get excited with her. I love hearing the joy in someone’s voice when they light up about feeling like something long sought or hidden has suddenly been discovered. I love to hear about other people’s victories, their journey and what works for them. Woohoo!!

On the other hand, nothing turns me off more than when they cross the boundary from sharing to preaching. I’m sure you’ve been there. It’s the know-it-all expert and not only do they know what’s right for themselves, but they know what’s right for you too. Now that the universe has granted them this great knowledge and the answer to everything, they feel obligated to convert you and exhibit no restraint in telling you how you need to change, to follow their newfound path. They just cannot suppress the urge to preach. They have it all figured out and they’re going to tell you what you should believe, and what you will believe one day, when you, too, become enlightened.

As a long-time recipient of such messages from friends who turned to the dark-side, as I call it, it’s difficult for me to find the balance between letting a friend know I’m interested in him, but content where I am, and I don’t mean to diminsh his belief system, but it’s not right for me. You see, I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I know their underlying intentions are good, but their self-centered worldview is an obstacle to them acknowledging that each of us finds our own path to truth. So I struggle to be polite and say in the gentlest way possible, “I’m good where I am, thanks” so that it isn’t heard as “I think your belief system is inferior.” Unfortunately, blinded by their enthusiasm, sometimes they don’t let go and in their relentless pushing end up sullying the very ideas they love by making you hate them and the idea all at once.

I’ve been the victim of the self-proclaimed “Spiritual Pioneer” many times, sitting through many lectures about the proper belief system and my own dysfunctions exhibiting themselves because I don’t agree. I had one coworker, I’ll call Agatha, who became enchanted with a new idea every other month. She’s not what I would call “devoted to self-improvement or personal growth,” as much as “LOST” and “deeply troubled.” That may sound mean, but you would say the same thing if you had had to endure as many lectures as I had. It’s really a wonder I didn’t stab her with a fork.

Somehow, with people like that, I must learn how to set a boundary that makes it clear that I am open-minded, kind and interested in hearing about their life and experiences, that I love hearing about the ways other people find joy, but that my interest is not an open invitation to be converted and lectured. While one person may find deep meaning howling at and worshipping the moon, I have no judgment. If it’s what turns someone on and makes him happy, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else, I’m happy for him. I’ll even drop him off at his howling meetings if needed. But if he makes a repeated habit of telling me how I should howl at the moon too, and what’s more, that there’s something wrong with me because I can’t open myself up to howling, that’s where the boundary is crossed.

In my experience, the people who least recognize the boundary are those who think that there is meaning in every speck of dust in the universe, so that when something happens, they’re troubled to find the deeper subconscious meaning and what it symbolizes about their inner psychological turmoil. Or equally, what God meant for them to understand by sending that speck of dust to settle next to them. I would love to broadcast a message to these people to tell them that it’s possible to take life too seriously.

We’re not all troubled, we don’t all need to explore the deeper hidden meaning in everything that happens to us, everything isn’t a sign from the universe, everything isn’t an indication of our deeper denial and unawareness of the state of our being that requires profound, deep investigation. Sometimes a glass breaks because you dropped it. It doesn’t always mean that there was a deeper reason why you dropped the glass and that the dropping of the glass is indicative of a greater picture of glass dropping in your life. Sometimes, we do need to look deeper within ourselves, but sometimes, we just dropped the glass because we lost our grip. It doesn’t mean we were attention-seeking or that we subconsciously dropped the glass as a symbol of our seething, suppressed, inner resentment and wanted the glass to shatter as a physical representation of our fragile psyche. My point is, in other words, “Lighten up, for God’s sake.”

So back to the Cheryl Richardson episode, one caller wanted advice about how to dump a friend who wasn’t on the “same path” with her. She didn’t say that her friend was unsupportive of her journey or trying to prevent or sabotage her explorations, only that they couldn’t be friends anymore because they were on different paths. Of course, I don’t know the details, but the impression the caller gave was that she was too enlightened to continue being friends with someone who didn’t share her exact set of beliefs. How enlightened can we be if we can’t tolerate difference and respect other people and hear the truths that resonate with them? I suspect based on my own past history of dealing with the “spiritually enlightened,” that the caller was trying to convert her friend, who just wasn’t interested, and the caller couldn’t handle the rejection of not being idolized in the glory of her new great brilliance. I know that probably sounds pretty harsh and perhaps unfair. It stems from my own baggage of having had so many friends turn to the dark side.

What is it that makes people so arrogant that they think they have all the answers?

It may sound like I’m one who hasn’t been personally subjected to the existential journeys in life annd that’s far from the truth. I spent most of my twenties researching religions, feeling abandoned by God, abandoned by friends, looking inward at my own flaws and reading more self-help books than I can count. I know I have recommended books to friends and offered my own unsolicited advice. Early in my twenties when I first became a vegetarian, I did the preaching, but I learned quickly that my choices were right for me, and it wasn’t my place or within my ability to decide for other people how to live. Of course I have opinions, and I think it would be great if more people were environmentalists and devoted parents, but I walk in my own shoes. Within the context of someone else’s life who am I to say that with the same experiences and circumstances that their belief system wouldn’t be fitting for me? I’ve never told anyone else they should become a Jew, but I’ve heard plenty about how I should believe everything happens for a reason, Jesus is the way, and you’re not supposed to be attached to outcomes according to an interpretation of Buddism that misunderstands the original philosophy. If your purpose is to do more than live within your conscience and you wish to convert others, the only way to do this effectively is to live as an example of what you believe. If you are a role model and live with integrity, people respect that. When you live what you believe, you are much more likely to stir a natural curiosity in others than if you tell them how they should live. Being a loving, accepting, non-judgmental representation allows you to become an avenue for others to explore new ideas.

Ideas can only be shared effectively in a safe environment, where people feel like they can be themselves without being on guard. Where someone feels loved, even for embracing different beliefs, has faith that he can share space and coexist without judgment and condescension, only then will he feel comfortable exploring more. In a judgmental environment, even a silently judgmental one, we naturally react with defensiveness and close ourselves off from hearing what others have to say. Only when there isn’t an expectation that someone change, can ideas be questioned and explored and shared openly, light-heartedly, and lovingly.

My former coworker Agatha, will likely never get the idea about boundaries. One of her lectures to me was about my cat, Maggie, who had a urinary tract infection. Agatha had relied many times on a pet pyschic, just a $60 (will that be Mastercard or Visa?) phone call away. Every time I made the mistake of mentioning Maggie, I was told that I should give the psychic a try to find out what was “really” wrong with Maggie, what she was really upset about. Agatha was subsequently failed by the pet pyschic, though she never said as much. A couple of years later, despite trying the mind melding technique with her cat (I swear I am not making that up), Agatha finally had her cat put down. The cat never waivered in her desire to not use the litter box and in fact, escalated her carpet assaults.

Perhaps calling the vet and reading some books on cat behavior might have been more helpful? Then one would have had to expend energy in training, behavior modification, and consistency. Easier to call the pyschic to feel like something was done.

Agatha once also spent $3,000 to attend a spiritual seminar of sorts in California. When she came home, she was all full of the “energy” and “crystals” and went on and on about what a peaceful person she had become. Her pictures had light spots in them that all her seminar friends interpreted as “energy halos.” She insisted there were no lights that could have caused the glare. Soon after her return home, she began to frequently inform me that I should attend a seminar myself, letting me know what needed fixing in me and how the seminar could help.

Another idea that gets preached to me with relative frequency is, “Everything happens for a reason?” I’m often told that I’ll believe the truth of this when, one day, I’m smarter and more enlightened. I wish I could believe everything happens for a reason. It would be nice to know that there is something deliberate and meaningful in the misery and suffering of the entire continent of Africa, to name only one example. What is the universe’s reason? No one ever tells me. Why do millions live in disease and poverty and war? What is the spiritual reason that people are born with genetic diseases that cause them a lifetime of suffering? I don’t have a problem if people want to believe that everything happens for a reason, and I’m sure it’s a really peaceful, carefree way to go through life, but I wish that if they felt so compelled to lecture me, that they would at least have the courtesy to tell me what the reasons are. Isn’t that fair?

The last caller on the Cheryl Richardson show during the “Spiritual Pioneer” episode made me unsubscribe from the podcast. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a force of positive change in the world. I want to do that. Don’t most of us? This woman was too much though, and I bet is a nightmare to be around.

She started by “acknowledging the divinity in others” and wanted advice about being a “conduit.” She always “been a seeker.” Then there was this, which I transcribed word for word (really, I’m not making this up), “I have been diligent to and committed to unfolding my divinity and stepping into the realization of who I truly am. I feel so alive when I am basking in the realm of possibility and the realm of transformation. I really want to make a difference…[blah blah]…align ourselves to the divine…[blah blah]…I want to be a conduit through which God uses me to facilitate transformation on the planet.”

Um…here’s my advice, to her and everyone like her, “Please, for the love of God, get over yourself!”

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